Sometimes We Need A Reminder

When you begin a new relationship everything feels so light and free. There is not a care in the world and all you feel is love. Pure, exciting, fiery love. As time goes on we all know that you gain more insight into who your partner is and that includes some of the things we may feel we could have gone forever without knowing; preferably.

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Unfortunately it seems as though after some time the spark seems to die down, or become muddled by negativity. We start to dwell on what our partner is doing wrong (in our eyes & by our standards), what we despise about them, and what we wish we could change. Especially when something hurtful has been done. We fixate on that, and we do not let them live it down. At least not in our minds. That will be forever in our data. The old Forgive, but won’t Forget. While I agree some things are just too painful to “let go of”, that also means the relationship should then not continue.  Now I know, I am stating what everyone knows already, and no I am not some relationship Guru. But hear me out.

 

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What if we were to stop and look at ourselves in the mirror? While it is easy to sit back and point the finger all day at our spouse or significant other, it is not always so easy to take some accountability and ownership in things that we too have done. Thus creating resentments and much unnecessary mental and emotional chaos. If you have gone through some bumps in the road, and choose to stay by your partners side, and continue creating a life together then you must LET GO. You must acknowledge that it has happened, acknowedge the pain that may have been caused, AND TRULY MOVE FORWARD WITHOUT LOOKING BACK. It may have happened before, but that does not mean the same OLD patterns must continue. There is always room for change, and creating the life you want.

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Now, I believe this has been somewhat of a grey area for me lately. I find myself fixating on so much negativity and allowing my anxiety to take over me more often than not and I felt I needed a little reminder. As I have learned in counseling thus far, it is better to get your feelings out on paper even if you later shred it (rather than blurting the first thing that comes to mind). Because as we all know those are some of the most hurtful things that are said, in the moments of unconsciousness. When wrapped in your head and your thoughts you are only thinking about “ME”, and thus creates the later feelings of regret from spewing negativity that you truly otheraise would not. So rather than saying what you do not want to, write it out first and have a conscious conversation. Not always easy.

So, while writing some of those angry, anxious thoughts down, it is good to try some positive writing as well. Why not write down some of the reasons that I love my significant other? Why not remind myself why we are here today, together? Instead of dwelling on the negative so much,because one thing triggers two then three, and soon you are in a cloud of hate (basically).  Like I said, it is easy to fixate on all of the things that your partner has done wrong or what you would like them to change, without looking at yourself in the mirror. And it is also easy  for you to lose sight of all the reasons you and your partner are together today. I feel it’s important to never lose that spark, the fiery love from the beginning stages of the relationship.

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Yes, we need to see life for what it is, and if and when there are hurtful / negative things being done, we do not have to look past that if we choose not to. We do not need to feel obligated to any one or any thing. Some things come with too much pain, and cannot be repaired; but again when we choose to accept things that have happened, acknowledge our own part in things (without taking on blame or putting out blame is very important), and choose to move forward then we should try to focus on the positive aspects of our life together. You are only hurting yourself when you hold onto those resentments, whether with the person or not in the end, it is only weighing heavy on your soul and you are allowing another to take control of your happiness each and every day, most of the time without their knowledge. Only fueling the resentment that much more.

So mean it when you say I love you, I’m Sorry, I understand, I forgive you, I accept ________,  take ownership for yourself and your actions, don’t judge, and most importantly don’t lose sight of why you love one another. Often times mountains are made of mole hills and it is easy to dwell on the negative and forget all the wonderful things that brought you together in the first place.

Run from it, or Learn from it

Question of the day:

What does addiction mean to you? 

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Well, I believe addiction is an outlet of avoidance. A way that people’s minds have manipulated them into believing that this drug, this bottle, this person, this shopping spree, this game, this food, this body modification, etc will “make you feel better” in some way. A detrimental form of coping that only worsens the resentments, the grief, the guilt, the anger, THE JUDGEMENT

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Whether learned from watching someone close to us deal with an addiction, or beginning the cycle ourselves, it’s a form of denial, escape, and a cry for guidance back to self awareness and self love

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I feel, addiction is the mind trying to overpower the soul; only then does it truly have complete control over you and your life.

The mind fails to tell you that the mask is only TEMPORARY, and once that obsessive thought that turned to compulsive behavior is over, once that “rush” is gone, the true emotions will come back once consciousness is regained. Thus creating the cycle of addiction. The mind has now mislead you into believing that continuing the addiction, and gradually getting to a point of never regaining consciousness, is how you will now avoid whatever it is that brought you here in the first place.

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The addiction will tell you, that is what will make you happy, but it will never be enough.  It will never be as satisfying and fulfilling as just allowing yourself to be vulnerable, and to feel, communicate, love, and let go of judgment. Live through your soul, allow yourself to feel all emotions, and most importantly don’t judge yourself or allow another to dictate your self love. And the only addiction you will have is to happiness.  It’s not an easy journey, but believe me it’s worth it. ✌ ❤ 

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